I AM SUPER GAVIN

To those who don’t know me…

Hi, My name’s Gavin. I’ve lived in the same house, on the same road, in the same country, all of my life. I was the fourth, and last sibling of my parents marriage. Fifth if you count my father’s first marriage and my lovely sister, Sara, which I do. Most of my life I’ve felt a bit alone, whether it was my own doing or not, I can’t remember, but I just didn’t connect with my siblings as one would expect, until a later age.

I went to a small local primary school where I met most of my good friends. My mother worked there, however she never taught me. I spent a lot of my time after school with my mother and occasionally my siblings, it felt interesting to be there when everyone was gone, and I enjoyed that. Most of my childhood was fine, I had good friends and a lovely upbringing.

When it came to high school, things got a lot more complicated. I had developed, near the end of primary school, feelings that I didn’t quite understand. In high school, I learnt to ignore those feelings and repress them. I was gay, and although I didn’t realise it at the time, I didn’t know how terrified I was about it all. I made up all kinds of excuses, that I loved certain girls. But I didn’t, I was simply trying to trick myself and avoiding the inevitable.

The next two years of my life were my darkest, I wasn’t sure what I was, or who I was becoming. In my third year of high school, I was watching a popular television show called Skins. Mitch Hewer’s portrayal of Maxxie Oliver showed that it wasn’t necessary a horrible thing to be gay. I had been brought up in a society that thought that being gay was a bad thing, and as a result, I chose not to accept the truth. Eventually, after watching Maxxie, I saw that this wouldn’t be the end of my world if I just admitted it. So I told someone, a best friend of mine at the time, I could hardly say the word “gay”, I’m surprised she’d even heard me. I then told my sister and other friends, all of whom were supportive.

Then next big step was telling my family, although most people probably think that should have been the first step. In fourth year of high school, I told my mother first, it took me most of the night to sum up the courage, but I decided to do it by the written word and wrote a letter. She accepted it well enough, not fully, but eventually she came to accept it. The remainder of my family were split about how they felt, half felt it was fine and supported me, the others didn’t agree and didn’t like it.

Some people think that being gay is a choice. It’s not, plain and simple. I spent months before I even accepted it, crying at night whispering “I don’t want to be…” over and over again, and I told no one. No one knew the hell that was running through my head. I couldn’t help who I was and I didn’t know that.

Right at this moment, all of my family accept me for who I am, whether they think it’s a choice or not, they still accept me. I’m exceptionally thankful that things went the way they did, I know some aren’t so lucky.

From then on my life and emotional state improved. I developed into the person I am today. Some things I would change, most of it I wouldn’t. Today, I struggle to accept the way I look, circumstance is a bitch. And we can try and change what we can, but a lot of the time we can’t change who we are or what happens to us. Moving from high school to college was a bigger step than I thought. I used to get so anxious travelling, to the point that my chest would start to hurt. I didn’t make friends easily, or at all. 

I am not a confident person. All of my life I’ve been shy, I hardly talk to people and I rarely discuss how I feel about things. I am riddled with insecurities. I’m constantly nervous. I’m constantly afraid. So I apologise, if I haven’t let anyone in, if I haven’t let you get to know me. I hope you know me a little better than you did.

Sigh.

Interesting. I’ve used that title before.

So tonight I was accused of gloating with my work.

I’m not going to lie. I’m proud of most of the things I make. I went into this course last year knowing absolutely nothing about the program we were using. And I think I’ve learned how to use the basics of it quite well. Yes, I have a creative eye when it comes to constructing things, especially in 3D space. I wouldn’t say it’s an advantage, as such.

Anyway, it just came at a bit of a surprise. As, I have rarely communicated with anyone all year, that they’re so quick to accuse me of gloating when they know nothing about me. I doubt you could find one person that follows me that’d think I’d gloat.

I don’t know. This has really hit me somewhere. I’m naturally quite a quiet, shy person and as a result I’m quite modest. In fact, I quite openly take shots at myself. About my weight for instance.

Regardless. I think when it comes to something you want to do as a career, that liking your work, and appreciating the thing you do, and love doing, is necessary.

I share my work on here, and on a private album to only my friends on Facebook. Most of the things you’ve seen posted here are posted on Facebook. They often contain the similar captions as the one’s posted on here, or nothing at all, or simply explaining the photo.

I wouldn’t call sharing my work with my friends and family gloating. Truthfully, I just yearn for acceptance, for someone to show that they appreciate what I do. It seldom comes from my family, they see the work, but I don’t think they understand how much time and effort goes into it. Anyway, so yeah, I try and get acceptance from strangers on the internet, still, I don’t gloat.

Rant over.

calif0rniadreamer replied to your photo: Must be Lanark Gala soon. (Taken with instagram)

you did not just call Lanimers a “gala day” DO YOU WANT TO BE SHOT BY EVERY SINGLE LANARKIAN!?

Why yes, yes I did. Just taking the piss, of course. Silly Lanarkians getting all hot and bothered over a mediocre “celebration”. :-P